Everybody does no 6…
As a full-time hypnotherapist, I spend a lot of time helping people with anxiety and the progress we make together is sometimes unwittingly undermined by the people closest to them. So I thought it would be useful to share some ways that friends and family of an anxiety sufferer can really help them to recover (or at the very least not hinder their recovery).
Seriously, anxiety sufferers can get better – they just need a bit of help sometimes”
Anxiety is difficult, not only for the person suffering, but also for the people around them too. Partners and children can all feel the impact of a family member with anxiety.
A large part of the problem is knowing what to do to help the sufferer. Quite often, you can simply feel out of your depth in understanding how to deal with it. It can be very frustrating, because whatever you do, nothing seems to help and sometimes it feels as if you are making it worse.This helplessness and confusion can lead to frustration and anger that will definitely make things worse.
With that in mind, I have created this article to help those people that want to support and help a loved one experiencing anxiety.
1) They are not an anxious person; they are someone who has anxiety
This is an important distinction, because anxiety should not define the person. Anxiety is a transitional state, not a permanent one. Anxiety can get worse but it can also get better, and it is subject to change. It’s important for you to see them as a person first, and that the anxiety is a condition that they are experiencing at the moment.
Always remember that they can get back to being ‘someone’ who hasn’t got anxiety.
2) People with anxiety may be tired and irritable
Think of how prolonged stress may affect you; it’s hard work, it’s tiring and frustrating. You need to understand that they will often be running on empty and to make allowances for that when you are planning your time together.
If they should be looking after children, that will make things twice as bad.
If someone is experiencing anxiety every day, it’s tiring. Remember that next time you’re asking them to be more ‘active.’
3) They will avoid situations that they ‘believe’ will trigger their anxiety
People with anxiety will try to avoid situations in which their anxiety is more likely to happen.
This is simply right and proper; when human beings experience anything that we perceive as danger, a belief is established in the subconscious part of the mind. For example, let’s say that someone has a panic attack on a train. The subconscious mind believes that being on a train is dangerous and, therefore, it needs to be avoided.
This is a mechanism that we all have, and it is essential for our survival. The mechanism is working as it should – it’s the belief that is at fault and needs to be changed. The problem is that it is tough to change beliefs held in the subconscious mind.
Think about how difficult it is for someone else to change your mind about something you believe!!!
4) People suffering from anxiety understand their fears are not always rational
The idea is not to shame them out of their anxiety, but to help them to come to terms with it, to allow the subconscious to start to change the underlying beliefs.
5) People with anxiety are usually good at explaining their symptoms
Having anxiety does not mean that they are incapable of expressing or talking effectively (unless they’re panicking, in which case they likely can’t. Don’t try to get them to either!).
If their anxiety has been dismissed or shot down as being stupid in the past, they are unlikely to want to talk about it. After all, who likes to be told they are silly?
The trick is actually to help them to express their thoughts and feelings. Don’t forget there is a big difference between thoughts and feelings. Thoughts are rational (usually), and feelings can be irrational, and please remember to actually listen to what they are saying.
6) Asking people with anxiety to confirm that they are ok all the time is not a good idea
But the key to all of this, if they ask you to leave them alone, leave them alone! They are experienced in handling their anxiety; let them get through it, however they see fit.
7) People suffering from anxiety need support
They appreciate your support and understand that sometimes their condition means you are making sacrifices.
Anxiety is difficult for everyone concerned, which means you too. People with anxiety are aware that you’ve not done some things you would’ve liked to because they couldn’t. They’re not oblivious to what it takes to support them.
This often makes they feel guilty, so do all you can to mitigate that guilt. Remember, it’s NOT their fault, so never try to guilt them into doing something you want to do.
8) People suffering from anxiety get stuck
As we talked about earlier, anxiety is supported by inappropriate beliefs but these are not any old beliefs, they are beliefs that have been set up in an atmosphere of fear or trauma, usually based on a situation or object. When this situation/object is encountered or likely to be encountered, the subconscious mind puts the mind and body on “red alert”.
In this “red alert” mode the brain is firing on all cylinders and then starts the over thinking. They are primarily looking for any possible scenario that might heighten the perceived danger. If we look for danger, we can usually find it.
They over think, they have selective memories, they believe history always repeats itself, especially ‘bad stuff.’
They get stuck in this fear and anxiety cycle that they have no way of getting out of, and hence they feel trapped.
9) Change is difficult for people suffering from anxiety
Change is difficult for everyone, but even more so if you are anxious to start with. You’re adding another thing to worry about.
People with anxiety tend to feel more comfortable when they’re allowed to be in their “safe zone”, where nothing significant changes.
When they’re faced with big change and upheaval, it can take them a lot longer to establish that safe zone again. Just remember to have a little more tolerance, patience and understanding for them. They are usually trying as hard as they can.
10) People suffering from anxiety have a lot on their minds
Sometimes they have difficulty focussing on you and your conversation. Don’t worry, it is not intentional.
Basically, they are planning ways to avoid or extract themselves from their perceived “danger” (whatever that is).
Imagine how distracted you would be if you were about to tackle something very dangerous or extremely difficult. The chances are that you would be pretty distracted because you would be concentrating on the difficult task ahead.
Well, it’s the same for people experiencing anxiety. It’s all they can focus on. When we are in panic mode, the primeval part of the brain takes command, and the conscious (analytical) part of the mind gets hardly a look in.
11) Sufferers of anxiety focus on coping mechanisms
Essentially, they are easily distracted by thoughts or triggers that reminded them of their problems. This causes them to think of ways to protect themselves as we discussed previously. Sometimes they may use distraction techniques to help them to avoid these thoughts, which sometimes means they are not attentive to you because they are trying to focus on something else.
12) Remember, anxious people may see things differently
That can be a positive, as well as a negative outcome.
For example, people with anxiety learn how to battle adversity and use their inner resources to cope with overwhelming fear. Some would say that their anxiety has helped them to become a stronger, more resourceful person. Especially when they get rid of their anxiety and move on to a more relaxed life.
Always remember, people suffering from anxiety are human too. They share many of your hopes, fears and expectations. Anxiety is simply a transitory state, it does not have to be permanent.
They can fix this problem. It may take some time and some help, but once they have, often they come out stronger than ever.
Remember these tips and give them love and support in their fight against feeling afraid.
I am not sure whether my husband is a anxious person, but I feel as if he might be. He had a very stress filled job, always busy, worked long hours, always dashing off here there and everywhere. He retired nearly 11 years now, and it seems to me just the same. He has responsible positions in local church, does lots of stuff in local yacht club, always taking up stressful (to me that is) causes. Conflict conversations where he paces up and down the garden talking for ages trying to sort stuff out for people. He audits 3 sets of charity books, none of which balanced this year so that has meant meetings with the bookkeepers over and over again. People are always phoning up asking his advice – he then in turn constantly chasing people to see how they are getting on.
Today he has had 4 meetings with people. We are going away tomorrow for a few days and he is acting as if its the end of the world going away that is. The rooms are covered with papers which he says he has to sort out before he goes. He is just running from one thing to another – adrelin rushes.
Sorry – i have lived with him 38 years – he hasn’t changed much. I think I might have! More recently he has been getting very impatient and cross which makes me think that it is a form of anxiety.
In retirement I would have liked a few holidays (without a fight in the first place about going) together and spending time with our new grand daughter.
My daughter is 18 and has suffered with anxiety for many years she still self harms and is really depressed, we have been to the the doctors on numerous occasions, she won’t except counciling , and even I’m struggling to cope and understand myself but reading your information has helped a little I just wish there was more I could do for her.
Hi I have just replied by my e-mail, but I am almost sure I can help your daughter, I have been seeing seeing teenagers for over 20 years and I love working with them … and most of the time I can help them. it is very gentle and really we have fun … nothing to worry about just relaxation ….I get to know the problem and we work on it …. get rid of those awful negative thoughts etc. do try and get her to come and see me … if she only wants to come for half an hour to begin with thats fine …… just to see if she likes me. kind regards lyta humphris. hypnosis devon. com
I have tried this before found it very useful but was too expensive your explanation had me in tears as it completely hit the nail on the head thank you
Thank you for this information. My Mum in her 70s has been suffering from anxiety as well as some depression for some months now. My sister and l have felt at complete loss as to how we could or should be helping her & l am afraid and saddened to say from your info we have been getting it wrong at times. I hate to think we have made things harder for her but at least we can try to help better now if we bear your info in mind. We have been advised that Mum probably isnt well enough for therapy yet but would there be any books on anxiety that you would recommend to help us in the meantime? Many thanks again for your article. Regards
Hi Dawn – I am sorry that mum isn’t well enough to come and see me, I see many people of her age, and also people with depression – perhaps she will be allowed to come later on …. hypnotherapy is very gentle – relaxation….which makes us all feel better …. we teach our clients to breathe properly, to relax their – muscles, get rid of those negative self talk into positive – and during the hypnotherapy techniques the client reduces the anxiety levels previously experience in a given situation. I have a book which I can let you have to help mum – one I used to use many years ago. If you would like to call in for it just let me know when you are coming. kind regards lyta
Hey Lyta,
I remember working with you at the BBC many moons ago. Gina -I worked in the newsroom part-time.
How lovely to see that your career in hypnosis took off so well.
Love to you. x
Will this help my granddaughter who is still trying to overcome postnatal depression after having it for 2yrs.
Yes Hypnotherapy can help with post natal depression – it can occur at any time within the first year – it may drain your grand daughter of energy, and go on for quite a long while. Mums quite often struggle because they feel guilty and don’t like to admit they feel this way. She might have low feelings, she might not get enough sleep, or she may not be confident there are many reasons. Does she get time off from her baby – maybe go to yoga, or swimming, or pamper herself whilst someone has the baby for a few hours. Hypnotherapy is very relaxing, gentle and effective.
I would love to help her.
Thanks for this! My son, 19, never finished his A levels due to anxiety, left school half way though sixth form- after much to-ing and fro-I have from the gp to other medical departments, we finally paid privately for him to see a CBT who specialised in anxiety in teenagers.
Whilst he’s definitely on the mend (now working 9 hours a week in a shop) we as a family have had no support or information on how we can help him… And as you explain above trying to ask him isn’t always the best way.
Thanks, you’ve given the rest of the family more information in that 5 minutes than we have had in 3 years
Hello Rachel – I am glad your son is feeling so much better. It was good to talk to you.
I have been helping teenagers with the same problems for many years.
Most of us get anxious at times, but when anxiety becomes associated with a certain situation (say taking exams, leaving home, going to the dentist etc) we usually start to feel extremely anxious. Even thinking about it can cause anxiety. we usually then start to think negatively,(what if I couldn’t handle it,) we then start to breathe rapidly, which causes more anxiety.
My job is to explain this, teach breathing techniques, relaxation, work on the negative self talk etc – and help you to realize you can overcome this.
Hi kerrie. Your words explain so well wots really happening with me. I know im anxious all the time and a lot of the time i just want to sleep and not wake up again just to get away from feeling like it. I truly feel like im going mad and nobody, especially those closest to me really understand how dreadful it is to live like this day in day out. I wish they cd spend just 24 hrs of their life feeling how i feel.
Hi Clare, if you are feeling desperate and in need of help to deal with your feelings I suggest that you contact your doctor without delay. Please let me know if there is something I can do to help. Lyta.
My daughter is 15 & has started suffering from Anxiety brought on by stress at school this year. She only confessed to us in the New Year after struggling to come to terms with it alone for a few months. Once she realised we supported her & didn’t trivialise how she was feeling she is slowly learning to cope with & deal with her anxiety. I found this piece really insightful & I can definitely relate to it all
Hi Kerrie, That is fantastic that you found the article helpful. I am glad to hear you are able to support your daughter and that she does not feel alone. If you need any more advice please feel free to call me or send me an email via my contact me form. All the best, Lyta
Hi I know you wrote quite a while ago about your daughter …. and I wondered how she was …. I see many people of her age and have a great success rate … I love working with this age group. Its very gentle and I teach them to really relax, concentrate on their breathing … and then work with what is making them feel anxious. It is very gentle and the majority of this age group love it … I give them a CD of each session so they can listen to it at night and re-enforce what we have done … if she would like to come and see me do get in touch either at my e-mail lhumphris@aol.com or telephone me 01752 788321. kind regards lyta humphris hypnosisdevon.com
Hi Kerrie there are so many teenagers that have anxiety, I think it is the times we live in, I have been helping teenagers for over 20 years and they really like what I do. I teach them relaxation and breathing, and then work on the reason for their anxiety ….I give them a CD each time they visit so they can listen to it in bed and re-enforce what we have done …. I she is still the same I would love to see her.
just get in touch with me at lhumphris@aol.com or telephone me on 01752 788321 and |I would love to talk to you … kind regards lyta